He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
