i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
