worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
