Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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