you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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