I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
