the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
