Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
