This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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