ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
