genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
