Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
