I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
