Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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