If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
