and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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