I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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