i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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