I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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