he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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