The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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