i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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