I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
