i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
this just has baby written all over it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
