If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
