Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
