you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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