i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
