this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
