do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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