Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
