He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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