I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
