How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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