You can't special order awesome
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize
