i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
