nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
