The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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