You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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