mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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