Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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