K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
