Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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