The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
