what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
