my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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