You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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