i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
