Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
