bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
