I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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