it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
