Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
