omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
