The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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