i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
